Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Safety Tips.

Today, I am going to cover a highly important topic, defending yourself.

I did more than half of my growing up in downtown Santa Ana so I feel I am liscensed to give such advice.
How can you defend yourself? One method would be to get a vicious dog. You don't want a large dog, (such as the original poodle) because large dogs are so accustomed to getting respect that they have completely forgotten how to attack. They rely, and I am making a generalization here, solely on deep growls and snarls, which is useless if the intruder is wearing a Walkman or earplugs. So what you should get is a small, insecure dog, such as a miniature French poodle, which knows how stupid it looks and despises being part of the pillow family, and consequently hates everyone. If you want it to be really vicious, you should give it a wierd haircut and make it wear a jewel collar and cary it around in your purse. After a few days of this it will attack anything that moves, including you, but this is a small price to pay for peace.

You can also defend yourself with guns. The Constitution says the government cannot stop you from owning a gun. The courts have intrepreted that to mean that the government can stop you from owning a gun, so you'd better check your local laws before you buy one. If you do get a gun, you should learn the rules of gun safety which are:

1.Never load your gun
2. Never clean your gun.
3. Never even takeyour gin out of the box.
4. Never point your gun at anythingor anybodyexcept your vicious little poodle if it gets out of hand.

Fish Update: David IV is still alive.


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