Thursday, March 04, 2004

Trouble With Pets

Everybody should have a pet. Pets give you all the love and devotion of close relatives, but you can lock them in the basement for hours at a time if they get loud or boring. The pets, I mean.
Have you ever wondered why people have pets. Neither have I. I suspect its because pets are easy to talk to. I spend hours talking to my cat, explaning my views on worls affairs. She listens vey intently, although i'm not quite sure she cares. If i could hear what she was thinking, it would probably go like this.

Me: You know, i'm concerned about the situation in the Middle East
My cat: Again? Perhaps she'll give me some food.
Me: Its a horrible misfortune that a place so important to the worlds economic well-being, is so politically unstable.
My cat: Maybe she'll give me some food now.
Me: I really wish i could do something to help maintain the peace in such a war-stricken land.
My cat: I think she should visit the Middle East and wear a shirt that says, "Why can't we all be friends?" (walks away, wagging her tail arrogantly)

I remember an old friend of mine got an ant farm for christmas when he was ten. His mother sent away for special ants from Chicago especially for the ant farm. The ironic thing is, they had a house already overrun with local ants, which came out during the summer like hordes. Every summer when playing with my friend I would walk into his home and find huge brazen ants demanding food in the kitchen and running up on long distance telephone charges. We spent alot of time whapping at them eith brooms and spraying them with chemicals that would kill grown men. Nothing worked. The ants used to lie on their backs, laughing at the brooms, calling for more.

What I'm getting at is that they had enough ants to deal with, but his mom still sent away for MORE ants so my friend could have them for christmas. Christmas does horrible things to people's values.

Anyway, he got the ants and put them into the ant farm and fed them sugar and water. The idea was rthat they would build alot of ant tunnels and stuff and he would learn about nature. Instead they died. We were astounded. I mean, here they spent whole summers trying to kill local ants that they got for free, and these Chicago ants, ants that were worth good money, ants that had their own little farm and fed them sugar and water, just died. If they had been smart, they would have put their local ants into an ant farm, fed them sugar and water, and that would have polished them off.

The lesson to be learned is that insects make lousy pets. You can' even explain your views on world affairs to an insect, unless you drink alot.

The most popular pets are dogs and cats. Now when I say "dogs," I'm talking about actual dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I'm not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold in your lapand carry around in a womans purse. Zoologically speaking, these are members of the pillow family.
Anyway, dogs can make good pets because they are loyal. (And when I say "loyal" I mean "stupid." Once I came right out and said dogs were stupid to someone while talking on AIM, and they hatefully wrote back to me "yelling" and "screaming" with misspelled words. Perhaps in this persons opinion dogs are not stupid. But i'll just stick to "loyal.") They are easily impressed and they make you feel extremely good about yourself.

But cats, are quite different. Cats are less loyal than dogs but they are more independent. (CODE: Cats are less stupid than dogs, but they hate people.) Some people get obsessive about their cats. You'll every now and then hear stories about elderly women who leave their entire fortune to their cats. Cats read these stories and plot to gain the trust of all the elderly women in this world and take all of their money. They also take seminars about how to take over the world. Do you ever wonder what cats are doing when they go outside for hours? Just thought you should know.


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