Saturday, January 31, 2004

David the IV

I am very concerned about my fish, David the IV. See, I don't think he's motivated enough to stay alive. Which discourages me because, well, I pay for his fish food. I'll often find him floating on his side. Worried, I'll tap the fish bowl and he'll reluctantly begin moving again. Lately, I haven't been taking him serioiusly when he does this. I'll find myself encouraging him to stay alive. I tell him about what happens to fish when they die. Usually this is a morbid process that involves a toilet.
But I feel sorry for him. He's been alone in a small fish bowl, that has plastic grass that often falls apart, with colored rocks on the bottom for almost a year and a half. For a fish, he's been alive for a long time. The only exciting things that happens in his day, is when I feed him, when the grass starts floating to the top again, or when my cat threatens to eat him.
Poor David the IV. I think he's also becoming suicidal. (This makes me wonder if I should be mixing anti-depressants in the water.) He's got the IQ of a broccoli so he can't come up with any clever ways to kill himself, so he just sits there thinking dead thoughts. Someday I hope he goes to a happier place where there is a larger fishbowl, no cat, and, perhaps, a toilet.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Another baby-sitting story

I was baby-sitting this afternoon for a two year-old girl named Morgan. This job is easy especially since I don't have to do much except play dolls with her. Her favorite game is Snow White, which is a game I've played with her thirteen million and a half times, using little figurines to act out parts. Snow White is played by a Snow White figurine. The seven dwarfs are played by the four dwarfs (Sleepy, Grumpy and Sneezy are currently missing). The wicked witch is played by a Fisher-Price Little People construction worker, who wears a hard hat, as if to say, "I may be evil incarnate, but, darn it, I follow OSHA regulations!" The poison apple is a regular apple from the refrigerator. Its roughly fifty times the size of Snow White's head; so even if she didn't eat it, this thing would SCARE her into a coma. The handsome prince is usually played by a handsome prince, but according to Morgan he was misplaced, so this time Snow White's handsome prince was played by a sheep. Its from the Fisher-Price farm set, and as far as sheep go, its reasonably good-looking.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Before I went off to Winter Formal last night, my concerned father felt it was his need to express his feelings towards dating to me. The jist of it was that men, especially handsome men, are vermin scum. He informed me that I would not be allowed to date until I am a minimum of forty-seven years old, and even then my dates will have to be unattractive. I think he'd think up schemes to creep guys out such as keeping horses in the garage, and if they failed to be spooked, he would politely ask him to leave, from behind the machine gun that he will keep mounted on a tripod in the living room. Then he would place a sign in front of the machine gun that says: "Kiss THIS, Prince Charming." I'm kidding of course. He may be a protective dad, but he's also a realistic and reasonable human. SO he reconciled that i could date at thirty-seven.