News:

After changing his membership to St. Nicholas, my dad has been urging me to go to St. Nick's with him. I have been reluctant to go, based on the fear that I would not have any friends and because I love St. Barnabas so much. Well, this Sunday I accompanied my father to two of the services held there. The Spanish Typikon and the normal liturgy. I enjoyed meeting everyone who looked up to my dad so much, and practicing my spanish with the hispanohablantes. I also learned that His Grace Bishop Joseph would be attending the liturgy that morning.

My dad had told me earlier that he was going to introduce himself to the bishop, and talk about becoming a sub-deacon. Sure enough, Bishop Joseph gave the go for the ordination. My dad'll become Sub-Deacon Ron/Paul on the fourteenth of April. Those of you who know my dad know that this means alot to him and I'm proud that he is fulfilling his dream in the ministry.

The sunday after Pascha, my dad will be announced to the Orthodox world as a sub-deacon, I will be attending the liturgy, and it will be cool to see my dad become a member of the clergy, something that he has waited a while for.

Safety Tips.

Today, I am going to cover a highly important topic, defending yourself.

I did more than half of my growing up in downtown Santa Ana so I feel I am liscensed to give such advice.
How can you defend yourself? One method would be to get a vicious dog. You don't want a large dog, (such as the original poodle) because large dogs are so accustomed to getting respect that they have completely forgotten how to attack. They rely, and I am making a generalization here, solely on deep growls and snarls, which is useless if the intruder is wearing a Walkman or earplugs. So what you should get is a small, insecure dog, such as a miniature French poodle, which knows how stupid it looks and despises being part of the pillow family, and consequently hates everyone. If you want it to be really vicious, you should give it a wierd haircut and make it wear a jewel collar and cary it around in your purse. After a few days of this it will attack anything that moves, including you, but this is a small price to pay for peace.

You can also defend yourself with guns. The Constitution says the government cannot stop you from owning a gun. The courts have intrepreted that to mean that the government can stop you from owning a gun, so you'd better check your local laws before you buy one. If you do get a gun, you should learn the rules of gun safety which are:

1.Never load your gun
2. Never clean your gun.
3. Never even takeyour gin out of the box.
4. Never point your gun at anythingor anybodyexcept your vicious little poodle if it gets out of hand.


Fish Update: David IV is still alive.

Veggie Tales

Explanation: I found this story today in my writing file. I wrote this in 1997 when I was nine or ten. So, bear in mind it might not be Shakespeare and there may be spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors. I vaguely remember the assignment that I wrote this for. I was to write an allegory about an important period in history. I chose the Cold War. I also meant this to be a very meaningful and dismal story. Oh, well! Enjoy!
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VEGGIE TALES!
The coconut yelled, “Okay everyone, get into the crisper. The people are coming!”

All of the fruits and vegetables started jumping in the crisper. First, the yellow grapefruits followed by the purple grapefruits, then the green apple, then the cucumber, followed by the tomato. The coconut looked around suspiciously, then jumped in the crisper wedging in the crisper as tight as it possibly could so it could never open by force.

A little green grapefruit was stuck on the butter tray, scrambling profusely to get in the crisper. But it was to late, the refrijerator door had opened and the lady who wore red grabbed the little grapefruit. Then closed the door.

As the coconut jumped out and looked at the refrigerator door as all the other vegetables went to their places. Everyone knew where the little green grapefruit went. She went to the juicer. No one had ever seen the juicer yet everyone knew what it was and what it did. All of the fruits and vegetables were afraid they would have gotten taken to the island. The apple claimed to have seen the island with his own eyes and the coconut had a quiet talk with him, and the apple never talked of it again.

“Aghhhhhhh!!!!”

There was a scream that came from up above the refrigerator. A purple grapefruit fell from the top of the refrigerator and splattered. The purple grapefruit looked up, but it was already choked by the grizzly reaper. The coconut spied this with his eye and jumped down and yelled,

“Who did this?”

The apple pointed up to the yellow grapefruits. But they weren’t there. The purple grapefruits were banned from going up to the top because that’s where the yellow grapefruits lived. The yellow grapefruits were biased against purple grapefruits because they were purple and not yellow. If ever a purple grapefruit crossed the boundaries they get pushed off and cut up.

The newest purple leader was a grapefruit named Haworth, who was a motivational speaker who spoke from the purples to the purples. Everyone listened to him, yellows and purples alike. The yellow’s never accepted Haworth except for the few who were for him.

The entire refrigerator, though, respected the coconut. But that was soon to change, because right then the refrigerator door opened and the tomato pushed the coconut out. It split open, and then the woman in red picked him up, and closed the refrigerator door.

A few days later the tomato was being taken for jailing in the egg tray. But on the way there, the tomato got pushed down and splattered everywhere and then the cucumber jumped down to kill him further. Then by that time, the refrigerator door opened and they took the tomato and carried him away.

Movie Quote of the Month!

Today is March Tenth! Wooohooooo! Okay, today's quote is going to be from "Pirates of the Carribean."

(In the middle of a sword fight in Will Turner's blacksmith office)
Cptn. Jack Sparrow: Who makes all the swords???
Will Turner: I do, and I practice with them three hours a day.
Cptn. Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl, mate....Or, maybe the reason you practice three hours a day is because you've already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you?

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Cptn. Barbossa:(to Will) Who ARE you?
Cptn. Jack Sparrow: He's nobody, nobody. Distant relative of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. (whispers and points at Will) Eunuch

Trouble With Pets

Everybody should have a pet. Pets give you all the love and devotion of close relatives, but you can lock them in the basement for hours at a time if they get loud or boring. The pets, I mean.
Have you ever wondered why people have pets. Neither have I. I suspect its because pets are easy to talk to. I spend hours talking to my cat, explaning my views on worls affairs. She listens vey intently, although i'm not quite sure she cares. If i could hear what she was thinking, it would probably go like this.

Me: You know, i'm concerned about the situation in the Middle East
My cat: Again? Perhaps she'll give me some food.
Me: Its a horrible misfortune that a place so important to the worlds economic well-being, is so politically unstable.
My cat: Maybe she'll give me some food now.
Me: I really wish i could do something to help maintain the peace in such a war-stricken land.
My cat: I think she should visit the Middle East and wear a shirt that says, "Why can't we all be friends?" (walks away, wagging her tail arrogantly)

I remember an old friend of mine got an ant farm for christmas when he was ten. His mother sent away for special ants from Chicago especially for the ant farm. The ironic thing is, they had a house already overrun with local ants, which came out during the summer like hordes. Every summer when playing with my friend I would walk into his home and find huge brazen ants demanding food in the kitchen and running up on long distance telephone charges. We spent alot of time whapping at them eith brooms and spraying them with chemicals that would kill grown men. Nothing worked. The ants used to lie on their backs, laughing at the brooms, calling for more.

What I'm getting at is that they had enough ants to deal with, but his mom still sent away for MORE ants so my friend could have them for christmas. Christmas does horrible things to people's values.

Anyway, he got the ants and put them into the ant farm and fed them sugar and water. The idea was rthat they would build alot of ant tunnels and stuff and he would learn about nature. Instead they died. We were astounded. I mean, here they spent whole summers trying to kill local ants that they got for free, and these Chicago ants, ants that were worth good money, ants that had their own little farm and fed them sugar and water, just died. If they had been smart, they would have put their local ants into an ant farm, fed them sugar and water, and that would have polished them off.


The lesson to be learned is that insects make lousy pets. You can' even explain your views on world affairs to an insect, unless you drink alot.

The most popular pets are dogs and cats. Now when I say "dogs," I'm talking about actual dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I'm not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold in your lapand carry around in a womans purse. Zoologically speaking, these are members of the pillow family.
Anyway, dogs can make good pets because they are loyal. (And when I say "loyal" I mean "stupid." Once I came right out and said dogs were stupid to someone while talking on AIM, and they hatefully wrote back to me "yelling" and "screaming" with misspelled words. Perhaps in this persons opinion dogs are not stupid. But i'll just stick to "loyal.") They are easily impressed and they make you feel extremely good about yourself.

But cats, are quite different. Cats are less loyal than dogs but they are more independent. (CODE: Cats are less stupid than dogs, but they hate people.) Some people get obsessive about their cats. You'll every now and then hear stories about elderly women who leave their entire fortune to their cats. Cats read these stories and plot to gain the trust of all the elderly women in this world and take all of their money. They also take seminars about how to take over the world. Do you ever wonder what cats are doing when they go outside for hours? Just thought you should know.

Blonde Joke

Question: How do you kill a dumb blonde?

Answer: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.